Everyone else is so sure.

How?

Now if only I can get there. If I could be so sure.

Is that a sign? Should I be dead sure? Or is that what it's supposed to be like? Does anyone know? Would I listen even if they did?

Who do you talk to about this? Everybody has something different to say, but usually it all amounts to "It's up to you..."

It's so frusterating to not have control, but at the same time, to have it all in your hands.

With so many irrational thoughts running through my mind should I even be allowed to make such an important decision?

If only...

It’s senior year and so many things are coming to a close. I took my last cross country picture today. I couldn’t get myself to leave that site. I needed one more picture, one more moment. This time is going by so fast and I’m just trying desperately to hold on. I love life right now, which scares me because life is changing so quickly. I find myself thinking of all the lasts I’m going to experience in these next months. The one I fear most right now is my final race. Final. Such a, well, final word. The last time I will run with this team, in this sport, my last chance. Damn this bittersweet world. No matter how well I race, nothing will be good enough. There will always be some thought of something more to give, something different to try, the thought of what I could do with just one more chance. There will always be a place in my heart for this sport and it will never be the same again. So forgive me on Saturday, October 14, when I cry. Tears of joy, pain, sorrow, happiness, who knows what it will be, most likely all of the above. How do I say goodbye to a sport that has been my center for three years? How do I say goodbye to the sport that introduced me to my best friends, my second family, hell, even myself? How do I say goodbye to the villain that has plagued me for so long, that constant reminder that you’re never good enough, that there’s always something more to reach for, that you can always work harder? Senior year will continue long after cross country season ends, but a very important, very special, very worn door in my life will close the night it all comes to an end, so forgive me when I look to you with tears in my eyes as I think of life after cross country.

I'm Hungry

I’m hungry because this is my last chance.

I’m hungry because two weeks ago I didn’t have this last chance.

I’m hungry for that one race that makes me feel complete.

I’m hungry for that one race where my dad is actually happy and all he can say is “Great race, Kid.”

I’m hungry for that girl in front of me that hasn’t worked at all to be where she is.

But most of all, I’m hungry for my team.

It’s time to show them how hungry we really are.

Ahh, high school. The finally year. That is crazy to think about. Next year at this time I'll be in college, hopefully in Colorado. Which is even crazier to think about. Me, by myself, in Colorado, without my support system, my girls. Who is going to drive me crazy while keeping me sane? I'm so freaked out. I mean, what if we lose touch? Who will I get to be my bridesmaids and throw me one kick ass bachelorette party? ha ha. But even more than that, what is this year going to be like? One final year to make every moment count with everyone around. Hmm, let's see, great start for Kelsey, no running, no hours at work, no hope for calculus. lol. Go team. But I'm determined to find the bright side. No running means no soreness and I still get to go on all the trips and hang out with everyone important to me. No hours at work isn't good money wise, but yet again, I have more free time to do what I want. And honestly, no hope for calculus is really just a blow to the ego which will end up leading to more time and an easier course load. So there. I may not be doing what I would like to, but I'm not going to let that get to me. I'm surrounded by the coolest people on earth that will be there for me no matter what.

I love life. No matter what it may throw at me.